Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drake has all the answers
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize