Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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