So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
