dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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