You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
