I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
