Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
