did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
