This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize