My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
