im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
being pregnant is like rehab
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
