I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
