Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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