im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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