I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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