I accidentally burped into my bong.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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