So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
