I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
