You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
