Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
