So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
