If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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