dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
