It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
