have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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