Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
