why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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