You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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