New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize