did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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