I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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