Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
