Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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