I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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