I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
