I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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