My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
