you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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