Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
