There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
