Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
