yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
