After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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