You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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