I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
