I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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