dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
