Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
