the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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