my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
