I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize
