Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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