i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
