its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
