I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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