Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I faked an abortion last night.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
