I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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