a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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