he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
