4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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